| There isn't a day that I'm not thinking about Chris, and how different things would be if he were to be here now...
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| I have yet to fully understand why things occurred in the order that they did in the past years, why some people were presented to me in a way that could not be explained other than divine intervention, or why certain issues had gave me a system shock the way they did.
I don't know the answers, and I never will. I am okay with that. I have come to realize convictions that arised from all this chaos. It is such a fulfilling feeling to know that I, myself, have mentally and emotionally taken the next step in gaining new epiphanies and insights that i never got to see before.
It is seldom true when people say that when they meet someone for the first time, it's divine intervention because this person has exceeded any expectations that they have ever had for a friend or a partner. The reason of why it is seldom true is due to the person being naivity, guillibility, or despairity.
I firmly believe that it happened, because I can one day see why I ever admired him to the depth of my being. From seeing why I had such deep respect for him, shows what kind of person I am.
I am very ashamed to say that, for the last 6 months, I have engaged myself in destructive behaviors. I have completely loss control of my priorities, ethics, core convictions, and my goodness. I have engaged myself in acts of folly, to the point that it DID caused bodily and more emotional hurt to myself.
I am a person that values genuinity, and none other than loyalty.
I do things for you, because I love you and you are my friend. Not because you gave me 10 bucks last time, but because I know our friendship/relationship is worth far more than that. And in return, I expect you to show me the loyalty, and whole heartedness I shared in our relationship- In each their owns ways of course. Some people consider wiping the floors for their mothers an action out of love, but some may consider buying new shoes for her to be the ultimate act of love.
I open up to you, because I have chosen you to come into my world. I allow myself to be vulnerable, and I am fully aware of it.
I thrive on having shit poured on me, not in a literal sense, but I don't think anything else is more important than being emotionally present for a friend. Being physically there and listening-nodding, the cliche mmm hmmmm ohhhh yeahhhh uhhh huh. yeah yeah.
They only go so far. Maybe that's why I could tell alot from someone's gaze. Their eyes say it all. when you're hurt, I reciprocate that hurt as much as I can. Because I am not you, and besides listening to you, that's the best I can do as a human.
I consider having someone spill their shit on you to be the ultimate compliment. It not only shows respect, but they honor you enough to tell you. Of course, everyone has skeletons. No one is obligated to say anything to another person if they don't want to. The way I see it is, once a person has decided to tell me shit they can not tell anyone else/or very few people, I could not be valued more. Not even being invited to have dinner with the pope, but who does anyways. ish.
Instead of holding on to these values, I let the hurt annilate my goodness and values.
I now realize, it's better late than never.
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| CKyoushouldbeherebutitisokwecangorockotherpeople'sworldsowecanbeextraodinarywhenwecollideagain.
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| every nerve in my body still generate a very distinctive response to the idea of you...months and months later.
and this response is longing.
I call it the disorder of longing. I don't know if i can ever truly get rid of you.
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